Monday, September 10, 2018
Wednesday, July 4, 2018
My husband and I were married later on in life. He was 30 and I was 33. We said "I Do" August 13, 2011. We both decided that we would wait to have our first child. We wanted to get to know one another as a married couple. After three years of marriage, I began to go back and forth wanted a baby but then enjoying "us time."
In January of 2016 after a year of trying, I went forward at church and prayed as Hannah must have prayed. I prayed that the Lord would give me a child, and that child would be the Lord's. I ended my prayer with "not my will, but Thine." Words we hear so often, yet I had no idea their meaning. I would soon learn what it meant to say "not my will."
In February of that same year, I began to feel weird. I can't describe it. But I knew something was different. I went out and bought a pregnancy test. My husband and I just stared at the results. Not being convinced, we went out and bought three more tests. All had the same results... Pregnant. I was starting to get excited. My husband thought it best that we keep the pregnancy to ourselves. I only told one person... my sister-in-law.
I didn't have an OB doctor, so I began to search for one. I found one who I thought would be good for me. But when I called Her office, I was told that they don't see pregnant ladies until their 10th week. I was only 6 weeks along at that time. I made the appointment and began to count the days.
At 8 weeks, I began to have some spotting. I called the OB's office. I was told that, I should be fine but if I'm losing the baby, there was nothing they could do. I remember going into the bedroom and telling my husband, Ken what they said. He replied "Don't you want God's Will over your will?" No... no... no... "God, you can't have my baby!" Not my will... but Thine... Didn't I pray that. I struggled back and forth with those thoughts. Trust is so easy when you're not going though the fire. The spotting only lasted for a day or two. I could rest.
On Saturday, April 10th 2016, two days after my 10th week, the spotting started only this time it was more intense. My appointment with the Dr was on Thursday. I called them hoping I could get in early. I was told that I would have to wait or I could go to the ER. They told me all I could do was rest. I rested all day Sunday. On Sunday night, I called my boss and told him what was going on. I stayed home Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. All I call do was rest... and trust the Lord that no matter what He would carry me through. Wednesday night, my husband came home from work with Popeyes, the best comfort food. He then asked me if I was okay with him going to Master's Club (our children's program at church). I told him I would be fine. As soon as he left, however; I was not fine. I went into the bathroom and collapsed. I had no strength. My phone was over on my end table charging. I crawled to it... climbed on the bed. All the while praying, I called Ken. No answer. He had just started doing the games with the kids. I called my boss and told him that I needed Ken.
Ken later told me that my boss came running into the Gym. The moment Ken saw him, he knew something was wrong. Ken called me as he was heading to pick me up. He told me to meet him at the curb. "Honey, I can't... I need help." Ken came into the house and helped me get dressed. He put his strong arm around me and lead me to the suv. The ride over was excruciating. It felt like it took an eternity to get to the hospital. I then had to wait in the Er while I was wrenching in pain. I told Ken to get me some water. When he came back the person at the reception desk said "she can't have that." I believe fire came out of my eyes. I was in pain, waiting and getting mad! It probably took 30 mintues for them to take me back to a room. I'll never forget when they did the ultrasound and said they couldn't see a baby. My heart fell. Pain of the heart. I don't know how to explain it. The loss was so excruciating. I didn't want to believe it. My sister came in and I lost it. I started sobbing, "Joey, I lost the baby. I'm not doing this again!"
I had to wait over night to have a dnc... they didnt give me anything to wear. I literally was laying in filth. Not only did I have to deal with the loss, I had to deal with feeling so gross. I had a run in with the night nurse, which I won't get into. The day nurse came in and was so sweet and helped me. My sheets were changed and I was given pads. I then was prepared for surgery. I remember coming out of surgery feeling so so empty.
I struggled with depression for several months. I lost my baby bug on April 14th 2016... and learned that I was pregnant again the first week of August 2016. At first I didn't believe it or get my hopes up. Soon my unbelievable was replaced with being terrified. Yet I knew the Lord was in charge. He would take care of me and my baby. I gave the baby to Jesus, "not my will but yours be done." Even today as I have a 2 year old. She belongs to Jesus. I am blessed to raise her as my daughter but she belongs to the Lord. I cannot live in fear that He will take her. I have thos hope that He will take care of her. And I am blessed.
I know many struggle with infertility. I can say for certain that God's plan is the best plan. From my loss, I was able to get a great OB. He was on call the night I went into the hospital. He was so sympathetic. He and his wife lost their first child. He told me when I get pregnant again call his office right away, which I did. He had me do blood work the next day and put me on hormone to be safe because I was on the low end of normal.
To my sisters in Christ who struggle with infertility, you are on my heart and in my prayers.
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.