My story

My husband and I were married later on in life. He was 30 and I was 33.  We said "I Do" August 13, 2011. We both decided that we would wait to have our first child.  We wanted to get to know one another as a married couple.  After three years of marriage, I began to go back and forth wanted a baby but then enjoying "us time."   

In January of 2016 after a year of trying, I went forward at church and prayed as Hannah must have prayed.  I prayed that the Lord would give me a child, and that child would be the Lord's.  I ended my prayer with "not my will, but Thine."  Words we hear so often, yet I had no idea their meaning.  I would soon learn what it meant to say "not my will."  

In February of that same year, I began to feel weird.  I can't describe it.  But I knew something was different. I went out and bought a pregnancy test.  My husband and I just stared at the results.  Not being convinced, we went out and bought three more tests.  All had the same results... Pregnant.  I was starting to get excited.  My husband thought it best that we keep the pregnancy to ourselves.  I only told one person... my sister-in-law. 

I didn't have an OB doctor, so I began to search for one.  I found one who I thought would be good for me.  But when I called Her office, I was told that they don't see pregnant ladies until their 10th week.  I was only 6 weeks along at that time.  I made the appointment and began to count the days. 

At 8 weeks, I began to have some spotting.  I called the OB's office.  I was told that, I should be fine but if I'm losing the baby, there was nothing they could do.  I remember going into the bedroom and telling my husband, Ken what they said. He replied "Don't you want God's Will over your will?"  No... no... no... "God, you can't have my baby!"  Not my will... but Thine... Didn't I pray that.  I struggled back and forth with those thoughts.  Trust is so easy when you're not going though the fire.  The spotting only lasted for a day or two.  I could rest. 

On Saturday, April 10th 2016, two days after my 10th week, the spotting started only this time it was more intense.  My appointment with the Dr was on Thursday.  I called them hoping I could get in early.  I was told that I would have to wait or I could go to the ER. They told me all I could do was rest.  I rested all day Sunday.  On Sunday night, I called my boss and told him what was going on.  I stayed home Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday.  All I call do was rest... and trust the Lord that no matter what He would carry me through.  Wednesday night, my husband came home from work with Popeyes, the best comfort food. He then asked me if I was okay with him going to Master's Club (our children's program at church).  I told him I would be fine.  As soon as he left, however; I was not fine.  I went into the bathroom and collapsed.  I had no strength.  My phone was over on my end table charging.  I crawled to it... climbed on the bed.  All the while praying, I called Ken.  No answer.  He had just started doing the games with the kids.  I called my boss and told him that I needed Ken. 

Ken later told me that my boss came running into the Gym.  The moment Ken saw him, he knew something was wrong.  Ken called me as he was heading to pick me up.  He told me to meet him at the curb.  "Honey, I can't... I need help."  Ken came into the house and helped me get dressed.  He put his strong arm around me and lead me to the suv.  The ride over was excruciating. It felt like it took an eternity to get to the hospital.  I then had to wait in the Er while I was wrenching in pain.  I told Ken to get me some water.  When he came back the person at the reception desk said "she can't have that."  I believe fire came out of my eyes.  I was in pain, waiting and getting mad! It probably took 30 mintues for them to take me back to a room.  I'll never forget when they did the ultrasound and said they couldn't see a baby.  My heart fell.  Pain of the heart.  I don't know how to explain it.  The loss was so excruciating.  I didn't want to believe it.  My sister came in and I lost it.  I started sobbing, "Joey, I lost the baby. I'm not doing this again!"

I had to wait over night to have a dnc... they didnt give me anything to wear.  I literally was laying in filth.  Not only did I have to deal with the loss, I had to deal with feeling so gross.  I had a run in with the night nurse, which I won't get into.  The day nurse came in and was so sweet and helped me.  My sheets were changed and I was given pads.  I then was prepared for surgery.  I remember coming out of surgery feeling so so empty. 

I struggled with depression for several months.  I lost my baby bug on April 14th 2016... and learned that I was pregnant again the first week of August 2016. At first I didn't believe it or get my hopes up. Soon my unbelievable was replaced with being terrified.  Yet I knew the Lord was in charge.  He would take care of me and my baby.  I gave the baby to Jesus, "not my will but yours be done."  Even today as I have a 2 year old.  She belongs to Jesus.  I am blessed to raise her as my daughter but she belongs to the Lord.  I cannot live in fear that He will take her.  I have thos hope that He will take care of her.  And I am blessed. 

I know many struggle with infertility.  I can say for certain that God's plan is the best plan.  From my loss, I was able to get a great OB.  He was on call the night I went into the hospital.  He was so sympathetic.  He and his wife lost their first child.  He told me when I get pregnant again call his office right away, which I did.  He had me do blood work the next day and put me on hormone to be safe because I was on the low end of normal. 

To my sisters in Christ who struggle with infertility, you are on my heart and in my prayers.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

The One We Get Our Power From!

"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning." - James 1:17

1.  Every good gift - Always giving with a good mind

2.  And every perfect gift - The highest degree of good gifts

3. Is from above - Heaven

4.  And cometh down from the Father of lights - Creator of Lights, Author of Perfection

5.  With whom is no variableness - Always the same, Constant

6.  Neither shadow of turning - without darkness

"With whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning."

"The phraseology is almost scientific.  There are changes, literally "parallaxes," of the heavenly bodies themselves, and eclipses one of another by shadows projected through space, but no such variableness with God, nor changing of faintest shade." ~ Ellicott's Commentary for English Readers

It's Thursday!  What a week I've had.  This week has been full of learning new things... a new copier... a new way to access a program... etc.  Monday, I spilled my hot drink all over me!  What a mess!  Yesterday, I forgot my password to my computer and locked myself out!!!  What in the world?  I felt so behind and upside down!  I needed power!  Not my own strength, but the Lord's power!  We need power to live, power to go on, power to move forward, power to succeed.... This power is not in ourselves.  I love this phrase "with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning."  Our Heavenly Father has this storehouse of power and he lets us tap into that power.  He wants us to use his power.  He doesn't change!  He's not going to say, "you can have my power today but you can't use it tomorrow."  His power doesn't run out; it is available for all of us at any time.  God has this good gift of power.  So throughout today, when things get messy or upside down, let's look to the LORD and use his power to get through.  

Why Me, LORD?

Why Me, LORD?

Sometimes in life, we face difficulties and trials.  Truth is we all have stories of heartache and pain.  Many times we ask God: “Why, Why me Lord?”  Sometimes the only answer we receive from the Lord is simply this: “Just Trust me.”  In our human heart, we cannot understand why God would allow these things to happen to us or to others around us.  The pain that enshrouds our heart seems to choke out any understanding or peace that we so long to have.  The statement “Trust the Lord,” seems to be easy to say but harder to do.  People that say this to us sometimes can make us feel like they have no idea what we are facing.  They could not possibly understand our situation.  God’s grace seems so far and distant.  We can feel alone and rejected.  We just don’t see what the Lord is doing.  If our eyes could be open to the spiritual realm, we would see that God has turned up the furnace of trials in our life to work out the dross that has been building up.  We would see that every time we cry, God gently works on us and cries with us.  God says: “Trust me, dear heart, I have everything under control.”  He hears our distant reply: “No, Lord!  I don’t know what you are doing and the pain is too much for me to bear.”  God has not truly left us; he is ever present with us.  However, we still yell out: “Why me, Lord? ... Why?”

The Lord is in control.  He is the Great Potter molding us into vessels of honor.  He is the Great Gardener pulling out the weeds that don’t belong in our lives.  “What a privilege it is to know that … I am a field under heavenly cultivation ~ not a wilderness but a garden of the Lord, walled by grace, planted according to a divine plan, worked by love, weeded by heavenly discipline, and constantly protected by divine power.”  ~ Charles Spurgeon.  We might think something like this: “Sure this sounds all good and easy, but this thing that I am going through no one understand.”  It’s true that I might not have gone through the trial that you are going through and you might not have gone through the trial that I am going through, but God knows our pain.  He suffers with us.  He bears our burdens.  1 Peter 5:7 states, “Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.”  This means that he takes our pain upon Himself.  He removes it from our heart, and places it on His; and in return He replaces our fears with peace.  Just as a loving father protects his child, so the Lord protects us.  “Yet the LORD will command his lovingkindness in the day time, and in the night his song shall be with me, and my prayer unto the God of my life.”  ~ Psalms 42:8.  In times of adversity and heartache, we need to continue to remind ourselves that God is in control and that He loves us and cares for His children.  Remember God always gives us the strength we need when we tap into it.  2 Corinthians 12:9 states: “And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”

Practical Application:

Ø  Just Breath

Ø  Take one day at a time

Ø  Lift up your eyes - Remember God prays for you when you don’t have the words.

Ø  Get alone with the Lord, even when you don’t feel like it.

Ø  Keep key verses with you.  Verses like Isaiah 43:2.

Ø  Ask God to use this trial to reach the lost around you.

Ø Don’t quit on God! 

Excellent Spirit - Extreme Success!

For several weeks, I have struggled with writing a poem for our school theme.  I wrote draft upon draft, but still, it didn’t flow.  This morning, as I was driving to work, I thought about Daniel.  Yes, he had an Excellent Spirit and it brought him Extreme Success, but can you imagine the rejection he faced?  His own co-workers plotted to kill him.  They hated him, but he probably loved them and prayed for them. Can you imagine how heavy his heart must have been as he stood before the king and saw the smug faces of his peers? 

In life, we are going to face times of rejection.  We are going to have friends let us down.  We are going to get hurt.  It’s life.  A spouse may let down a spouse, a friend may let down a friend, a brother may let down a brother, a father, a daughter, a sister a brother, a mother, a son… and the list goes on and on.  Daniel set his spirit high, what I mean by that is he purposed that no matter what he faced he would look to the LORD and have a sweet spirit.  He always seemed to rise above what the world threw at him.  He wasn’t dealt a good hand by human perspective.  By the time, Daniel 6 takes place, Daniel is an old man.  His life experiences could have made him bitter, but instead, Daniel 6:3 says, “Then this Daniel was preferred above the presidents and princes, because an excellent spirit was in him; and the king thought to set him over the whole realm.”  He saw kings come and go, kingdoms rise and fall, through it all his attitude set him above all others.  My friend, you may be feeling rejected or hurt, can I encourage you to purpose to have an excellent spirit through it all?  And may I do the same.

People – they smile and pretend,

They say they’re your friend,

In the end, you’re in the Lion’s den,

Oh, Friend! Hope not in men!

Set your spirit high!

To the LORD draw nigh!

Day by day and Every day the same,

His promises we can claim!

No matter the rejection, no matter the pain.

When all is against you, do not wane!

Be like Daniel, who at his window knelt,

To do what was right, no worry he felt.

His spirit was of sweet Excellence,

And through it all, he had Extreme Success.

Set your spirit high!

To the LORD draw nigh!

Day by day and Every day the same,

His promises we can claim!

No matter the rejection, no matter the pain.

When all is against you, do not wane!

Faithful was he, no matter the accusation.

His spirit was sweet, he had the right foundation.

When all others turned on him,

His Excellent Spirit did not dim!

In that,he had great faithfulness,

Which brought him Extreme Success!

Set your spirit high!

To the LORD draw nigh!

Day by day and Every day the same,

His promises we can claim!

No matter the rejection, no matter the pain.

When all is against you, do not wane!

10 Weeks

10 weeks is all I had with you,

Ten weeks and how my heart is blue.

Saddened that I'll never hold your hand,

Your little feet will never touch the sand.

10 weeks is all you had little one,

And how my heart aches for my daughter or my son.

I miss you little one,

I feel so empty without you, Hun.

I've shed many a tear,

Oh how long to hold you near.

The Lord had a different plan,

One I don't understand.

But I know He loves us both

I'll see you again.

I have this hope.

I love you baby bug.

April 13, 2015

My Times are in His Hand.

Psalms 31:15 "My times are in Thy hand".  The first time I saw this verse was in a room Thousands of miles away from Pennsylvania. ... across the ocean in the Czech republic. .. I had just spent 3 months living in Europe. .. and I wasn't ready to come back home. .. so I was busy trying to change my flight... I did everything in my power to open the doors for me to continue to stay in Prague Czech Republic.    After all I was serving the Lord on a mission field... this had to be God's will for my life.  After realizing that I would not be able to stay... I opened my bible in frustration looking for a "sign" that God would do a miracle and allow me to continue in Prague.    My eyes fell on this verse "My times are in Thy hand"... at that moment I knew I had to stop trying because staying was going against what God had for me.   You see had I stayed in Prague i wouldn't have been where I was most needed.  I thought I was needed most in Prague. .. but I was needed the most at home.  You see after I returned home I learned my older sister had taken a turn for the worst.  She had been fighting kidney disease for years and dialysis had stopped being effective. .. two weeks after i came home she went home to heaven.   When I moved out here to Illinois I knew it was where God wanted me.  I struggled at first because it wasn't home.... but Psalms 3115 has guided me along the way... and now by Gods grace I can call Rockford home and Berean all family.  Never under estimate where God will take you.  Its always better than your will!  So maybe today you are struggling with where you are at in life.  Maybe it's not what you thought it would be or maybe it's not where you want to be.  Just let go of your desires and trust God.  Had I not waited on the Lord's timing, I would not be here.  But here is exactly where I need to be and where I want to be.  The Lord is Amazing and wants to give us His best.  Let go, dear friend and trust Him... the possibilities God has for you are endless!

The day that stood still...

Sometimes in life there are moments... Glints of days that seem to stand still. All around there are people moving, going from place to place, their day continues on..... into another and another. However, for some their day maybe standing still. Unbeknownst to those of us rushing on through life; we look to them nothing but a blur. Inside they feel like screaming... "Stop, stop, slow down! This life is just a vapor... It WILL quickly fade away."

On one such day, I awoke, dressed and headed off to work. Just a normal day in April. Yet my thoughts were filled with heaviness. Would this be the day? A phone call... The truth... Rising to my feet... Trying not to sob... I told what I needed to tell and headed out the door before anymore questions could be throw my way.

I don't know how I got there, but somehow I made it to the school were my siblings were. With our Pastor looking on, I told them the awful truth. While we hugged, we allowed the tears to freely flow.

We retuned home. Sitting in our living room, we talked of memories past. Overwhelmed by grief, out the door I went. The world was spinning, and yet at that moment all was still. The blue sky was fading into dusk, a single star rose into the night. The breeze rippled over the grass, the crickets started to chirp and a whisper echoed in my heart. "It's OK lil' sis... I'm not in anymore pain... I love you. You'll be alright."

Life goes on, yet life has become so precious to me.
It's not worth fighting with your siblings or rushing through a day.
Life will pass quickly enough without us wishing it away.
Cherish every moment, hold your love ones near.
There will come a day when you'll shed a tear.
You'll want to hear their voice just one time more.
Or see their face and hold them to your very core.
So love them today for this life is short you see.

In loving memory of Brandi Jeanne Byerly ... My sister, my friend
Whom I will see again in heaven!